


Torn at Every Edge

by Cyane (orphan_account)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Bullying, Depression, Eating Disorders, Friendship, Gen, Pre-Slash, Protective Phil Lester, Sad Dan Howell, Self Confidence Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-24
Updated: 2017-02-24
Packaged: 2018-09-26 10:18:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9888221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Cyane
Summary: There's a website completely dedicated to people who hate Dan Howell. Dan can get over hate. But hundreds of people, saying he should kill himself, pointing out flaws he didn't even know he had- and pounding in the ones he did know about... it's too much. So he starts changing.And then Phil finds the website left open on his computer.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning: see tags for more info. 
> 
> Okei I know so far all of these fics have Dan!angst or something to that effect, but I can't help it. I love Protective!Phil. And Angsty!Dan. I'm a fangirl, which is basically the synonym of sadist.

"We still on for dinner?" Phil asked, leaning back in his chair and twisting his neck back to look at Dan. Dan looked over from the couch and smiled fondly at him. "Yep."

Phil grinned. "Table for two, got it. And the Monday night outings begin again!" 

"Did you just say 'Monday night outings'?" Dan asked, already stifling a laugh. Phil turned red. "Shut up. The Monday Night dinner-dates. Would you prefer that, _Dan_?" Dan continued laughing based on the sheer stupidity of their conversation. 

"I have to edit that animation video on the gaming channel first," Dan warned after a moment had passed. Phil let out a whine. 

"...Do you _have_ to?" He asked. 

"Yes," Dan said. 

Phil scowled playfully. "Then get to work! I'm not being late for our fancy dinner just because you wouldn't get your ass off the computer."

Dan closed his laptop and set it on the couch before stretching and walking towards his room. "Alright, fine. Tell me when it's time to go, yeah?"

 

*******

 

Things were going well, to say the least. 

Or... well, more domestic, anyway. Dan never thought he'd say it, but he could see what the fans were walking about when they joked about him and Dan being married. And it wasn't like Dan was repulsed at the idea of being with Phil- in fact, he'd guess that they'd both thought about it more than a few times.

But it sounded so strange, being married to Phil. Things were so good where they were. Monday 'dinner dates', constant platonic flirting, snuggling and watching anime, cooking together and filming together, cosplaying and gaming. 

Maybe it wasn't considered 'platonic', but there was definitely no 'official' romantic relationship going on. 

And Dan was okay with that, he thought. He felt happy, and that was a rarity. 

Editing videos wasn't the most fun he could be having, but Dan thought that if he was to treat YouTube like a job, he couldn't expect it all to be fun and easy. Editing took time and patience and no-rage-quits if it all got deleted somehow. 

Dan leaned forward, clicking away for sound effects. The new animation video was sure to rake in hits; with a clickbait (but not _buzzfeed_ clickbait) title, aesthetically pleasing thumbnail, and hilarious content. Even Phil had agreed that it was one of their best videos on the channel.

He continued adding links and subtitles before uploading it. It had only taken a few hours, and he had at least thirty minutes before Phil said it was time to go. 

"Wonder what the fans have been saying..." He mumbled to himself, clicking on the notifications. Immediately Dan felt his smile grow as he read through the wonderful and inspiring fan comments on the recent videos. 

He didn't even notice he was reading aloud. 

"Kristie... 'Dan and Phil kept me going when my life was falling apart, I always come to them for a laugh'. And one from Ben- 'my mom walked in and I opened up porn because it's easier to explain than Dan and Phil's video of them eating sushi while playing a hello-kitty game'." Dan had a good long laugh at that one. It was followed by a few spam comments and self-advertising, which he ignored.

And, there it was: hate. There was always a bit.

Dan felt his smile fade. His lips twitched a bit as he read through it. It was just the usual stuff- sounded like it came from an 11-year-old who mocked Harry Styles for a living- but at the end there was a link. And the hate had gotten over a thousand likes. That definitely wasn't normal.

Dan checked to make sure it wasn't a virus or download or anything before clicking the link.

The title of the website said: "Dan Howell Haters". Fan-fucking-tastic. It wasn't the first Dan-hating-website he had encountered, but it had thousands of users on it, and that was more publicity then normal for something like this. 

Just like that, Dan's day came crashing down.

See, Dan ignored hate all the time. He had to. It was part of being a YouTuber, somewhat of a celebrity. There would always be hate. But it didn't mean he had to like it, and it didn't mean he didn't go looking for it- because he _did_. All the time. 

Phil had to take away his phone once because his eyes were glued to the fucking shitstorm of Twitter hate. 

So Dan continued scrolling through 'Dan Howell Haters' and found out that it was much more than a hate blog, it was an entire website dedicated to people that hated his entire existence. It wasn't a troll, these were actual threads and forums and gifs and users who all hated him and what he did. 

"They don't even know me," Dan mumbled under his breath.

His mouse shot across the screen, his eyes scanning every word. 

_Dan Howell, the absolute cancer of YouTube, the biggest emo faker out there..._

There were long, endless threads about how awful his laugh was. At least a dozen on his hair. Dan self-consciously itched at his arm. Were they serious? Of course they were. Dan scrolled through the thread about his horrible laugh.

_Check this out guyss: [link]_

The link led to a 20-minute video of him laughing on repeat. The repetition just made it worse and worse, and as Dan watched his face contorting into that ugly thing it did before he laughed, and the way he threw his head back, and the noises were just awful. God, was he that annoying?

"Dan! It's time for our dinner, bear!" 

Dan jumped, slamming his computer shut and throwing on a coat. "Coming!" He squeaked out.

 

*******

 

Dan did his best not to laugh for the rest of the evening. Inwardly, he told himself that it was stupid to get so self-conscious over something that he's had forever and will probably have forever. But then Phil said something funny and Dan laughed and- just, the sound of his own laughter sounded so foreign. And awkward. So he stopped.

Obviously, his best friend caught on quickly.

"Are you okay?" Phil asked the second they walked back into the flat.

Dan grimaced. "Yeah... uh, just tired. I'm going to try and get some sleep or something, hopefully I'm not getting sick."

Phil's eyebrows furrowed in hurt confusion, but Dan walked past him and closed the door to his room when he was inside. As soon as he sat down and opened his computer, the website was back. 

Dan's face crumpled at the reminder of his weird laugh. The next thread was all about his hair, though, and Dan thought that would be fun to go through. 

Ten minutes later he was in the bathroom, trying to rearrange his hair to look less... _that_.

 

*******

 

Phil didn't know what he'd done. They had been having a lovely evening, but the moment Dan was finished editing their last video, he seemed tired and sad. Unfocused. Of course, maybe he really was just exhausted, but then he had been acting so strangely for the entire evening. 

Maybe he didn't want to do Monday dinners anymore? Was that weird?

So that morning, Phil made sure to prepare a bowl of cereal for Dan as well as himself, trying to lighten the mood and make sure Dan's day was off to a good start. If they were both in a good mood, then Phil could make sure Dan was alright without getting defensive.

Around nine o'clock, Dan stumbled out of his room, two empty coffee-cups in one hand. His hair was sticking up in multiple directions. There were circles under his bloodshot eyes, and Phil immediately knew that Dan hadn't slept a wink. 

"Did you sleep well?" Phil asked anyway.

Dan's eyes sluggishly trailed up to meet his. "Oh, uh... yeah."

Phil's small smile strained a bit. "I made you cereal. And later, maybe we can go to the supermarket and-"

To his utter surprise, Dan interrupted him. No humor, Phil wasn't even sure he realized he'd done it, but it happened:

"-I'm going on a diet."

Phil's eyes flew open. "What?" He asked, slightly breathlessly in surprise. Dan didn't need to _diet_. Dan was Dan. Dan was perfect just the way he was. Dan didn't need to change one little bit. (With the exception of getting more sleep.) Where had this come from? Was this why Dan was acting so strangely at the dinner?

Dan shrugged. "Yeah. Sorta out of the blue. It's a good thing, though, since I'm finally getting my shit together."

Phil honestly didn't know what to say. 

And without even noticing the untouched bowl of cereal, or the other bowl in Phil's hands, Dan set the mugs down and began getting another cup of coffee before trekking back into his bedroom and slowly shutting the door. 

"Good morning to you too," Phil grumbled, although it was mostly concern talking. 

 

*******

 

Dan knew this probably wasn't healthy behaviour. But then again, when had he ever been 'healthy'?

After taking all night to go through a few threads on the website, Dan realized that it wasn't really a hate-site. He didn't have to take it as insults, he could take it as brutally honest constructive criticism. The things that Phil was too nice to say.

Like, on one hand, Dan was fat. On the other hand, Phil would never say that outright because he was too polite. 

All Dan had to do was go to the 'overeats' thread and listen to the 200+ members discussing how he should diet. 

Or, if Dan wanted to know what he could improve on, he just scrolled through the forum lists: update more often, stop smiling so much, don't overuse the same jokes again and again, don't laugh, change the laugh, don't be rude, stop acting emo, don't ever laugh at your own jokes, stop saying the word 'cringe'...

Oh, Dan's flaws went on and on, and the website told him all about it.

 _It'd be better if he killed himself._ Another anonymous user.

He vaguely wondered if these people even knew who he was. What he'd been through. Because of course he constantly had his own thoughts like that, and they just had to keep drilling it in. Yes, he realized that. But it was complicated. 

Dan was too tired from staying up all night to continue, so he threw on some decent clothes and put a note on his door for Phil.

_I'm going for a walk, I'll be back soon -Dan_

He needed time to clear his head.

 

*******

 

Phil was worried. Yeah, he was worried when he finally mustered the courage to talk to Dan and found the note on his bedroom door, saying he'd gone out. 

Hopefully when Dan came back home Phil could talk to him for a while. Just to make sure everything was okay, just to make sure that Phil hadn't done anything wrong. Just in case.

"Bear..." Phil said sadly, setting the note on the counter. He decided he'd do laundry. It was something easy that he could do to both clean up a bit and do it for Dan. He hated it when Dan was sad or upset about something.

 

*******

 

Phil was taking a basket of Dan's laundry to his room when he noticed the open laptop.

And he wasn't one to pry. Never. Phil didn't snoop, he didn't sneak around, looking at someone else's things. That was just rule number one of being a good guest and flatmate. And friend. 

But Phil saw the words 'Dan Howell Haters' in bold, and all of that went out the window.

He set down the basket of clean clothes and sat down in Dan's chair, peering at the website.

The open thread was labeled, _300 reasons Dan Howell should khs_. Phil's eyes widened and he looked through the other threads. When a link had been clicked, it turned a dark purple colour, and apparently Dan had been going through a lot of them.

Horror twisted in Phil's stomach when he read the titles. Overeats. Explains the diet idea. Hair problems. Explains whatever Dan was trying to change with his hair. The laugh- which Phil knew was quirky and unique but also perfectly Dan. But it explained why Dan was cutting off every snicker he made. 

God- was this what Dan had been looking through all night? It was just a bunch of shit people being assholes on the internet. 

Then Phil remembered that Dan had gone out. After- the most recent thread had been...

Phil leaped to his feet and flung himself at his mobile phone, feeling shrieking terror coursing through every part of him.

 

*******

 

_Ring, ring ring, ring-_

"Hullo?" Dan slurred, feeling the cold through his sweater. "Phil, is that you?" He had been walking through the park, now near a river. 

_"Oh my god!"_ Phil's voice screamed across the phone. Dan nearly dropped it in surprise. _"Dan, are you okay? Come home, please, please come home now! Where are you?!"_

Dan paused for a moment, making sure he had heard him correctly.

"Phil? I'm fine. I'm near some kind of river, I think I'm on a bridge-"

_"WHERE ARE YOU?!"_

Dan winced at the volume of his best friend's voice. He listed off the address and did as Phil said, waiting on a park bench for Phil to arrive. He wasn't sure what all of this was about; the fresh air really had been helping to clear his head and he was feeling loads better.

 _"Don't hang up!"_ Phil kept repeating, like a mantra through the phone, and Dan could hear him jostling around. 

He stayed sat on that bench, half on the phone with Phil while Phil raced across London to be with him. When Phil's figure showed up across the park, bolting towards him like a train, Dan knew something was wrong.

"Phil?" He called as Phil ran towards him. "Phil, what's going on? What's happened, why are you- OOF!"

Phil quite literally tackled him to the ground, both hugging him and pinning him down.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Phil cried out, tears dripping off of his face. Dan's expression turned to shock as Phil continued. "How c-could you... why didn't you tell me? We could've talked this through, we still can, d-don't leave me like that!" 

Dan blinked. "What are you talking about? I left a note."

"I saw the website, Dan! It's just hate, it doesn't mean you should change, it doesn't mean... you should k-kill yourself..."

Fuck, fuck, fuckety fuck fuck.

Phil _saw_?

Dammit. 

Dan slowly sat up. "Phil, I wasn't walking off to a bridge to commit suicide, I really was just taking a walk."

Phil wiped his eyes with the back of his hands, obviously still distressed. "You can't keep looking at that website, Dan," He wailed. "You know that we get hate and-"

"It's not hate," Dan said firmly. "It's constructive criticism. Besides that... er- killing myself bit."

Apparently that wasn't the right thing to say, as Phil's eyes started watering again. "How can you say that, Dan? _Constructive criticism?_ It's just a load of people on the internet, they don't know you, they don't have any right to say those things. There are always going to be haters, and you have to ignore them, because you are scaring me. In the last two days, you've already stopped laughing, and eating, and you've changed your hair..."

Dan took a deep breath before leaning forward, resting his head on Phil's shoulder. "I know, it's just... sometimes they're right. I don't like my laugh, I don't like my stupid hobbit hair, I don't like myself and... they're right, Phil."

Phil pulled Dan into another hug and just exhaled into his neck. "No, no, no they're not. They're never right, they just want a reaction. You're perfect just the way you bloody are, Dan Howell, and the only thing I want you to change is how you see yourself negatively."

And that's how Dan and Phil ended up hugging in the freezing Winter, in the park, on the ground, tear and snot-stained, and emotionally drained. 

 

*******

 

"You ready for Monday date night?" Dan asked hopefully.

Phil perked up immediately, grinning. "Absolutely, my love," He drawled out, feigning romance. Dan snorted.

In the end, it didn't matter what _people_ said. Dan never cared about people. He only cared about Phil, and what Phil thought. And Phil thought he was perfect, for some reason.

And that's all that mattered.

**Author's Note:**

> bc i'm the queen of lame endings
> 
> wat


End file.
